PACT Therapy: For Couples Who Are Done With the Same Argument on Repeat

If you’ve ever thought:

“We keep having the same fight, just on different days,”

“We love each other… so why does this feel so hard?” or

“How did this turn into an argument about the dishwasher...again!?”

You’re not broken. You’re human. And you’re probably stuck in a nervous-system tango you didn’t sign up for.

PACT (the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), developed by Dr Stan Tatkin, is proper couples therapy for people who are committed to change - not just talking about the problem and rehashing old stuff, but actually changing what happens when it shows up now.

Plot Twist: The Relationship Is My Client

PACT doesn’t spend much time figuring out who’s right. (That's got to be a relief, because they say it's always them, right?)

Instead, we look at the space between you - because that’s where things tend to go sideways.

PACT understands the couple as a system. Or more accurately, a shared nervous system. When one of you gets stressed, defensive, or shuts down, the other feels it instantly. Like emotional Wi-Fi. With an occasional buffering that can be super annoying.

So rather than asking:

“Why are you so difficult?”

“Can't you just admit I’m right?”

PACT asks:“Is this interaction helping the relationship feel safer or more threatening?”

That question alone can be a total game-changer.

Why Your Body Panics Before Your Brain Can Be Sensible

PACT is grounded in attachment theory and neuroscience, which helps explain why:

• You say hurtful things you swore you wouldn’t say again.

• Your tone and face change before you even register a coherent thought

• One of you wants to talk now and the other wants to disappear into a cupboard until at least tomorrow.

Under stress, your nervous system goes first and your good intentions follow…maybe, eventually.

PACT helps couples learn to:

• recognise their attachment patterns in real time

• spot threat responses as they’re happening (not three days later when you've both done festering)

• slow things down together instead of spiralling apart

  
  

Less “What the heck just happened?” and more “Ooooh - this is our pattern. Let’s interrupt it.”

Secure Functioning: Being on the Same Team (Even When You’re Annoyed With Them)

At the heart of PACT is something we call secure functioning - which is a fancy term for: “We’ve got each other’s backs, especially when things are hard.”

Secure-functioning couples:

• take responsibility for their impact (not just their intentions)

• tell the truth without blowing the place up

• repair more quickly after conflict

• make decisions that protect the relationship, not just their wants and needs in the moment

Because this isn’t about being endlessly calm or giving up your needs. Far from it actually. It’s about recognising that long-term safety and intimacy are built through mutual care, mutual accountability, and teamwork.

PACT isn't for everyone, but it is particularly helpful if you’re stuck in:

• Repeating arguments

• Power struggles

• Emotional shutdown or distance

• Different Neurotype processing

• High reactivity

• “We love each other, but this keeps going wrong”

What Couple Sessions Are Like With Me

PACT sessions are active and I am very much in the virtual room with you.

You won’t be:

• taking turns giving speeches about all the times your partner has wronged you

• Arguing with each other while I stare thoughtfully into the middle distance

Instead, we work with what’s happening live:

• I’ll invite you to talk directly to each other

• I’ll slow things down when nervous systems start running the show

• I’ll point out patterns you’re both in (often with a “there it is” moment)

• I’ll interrupt unhelpful dynamics - always kindly, but clearly, and in real time

  
  

We pay attention not just to what you say, but how you say it: tone, timing, body language, and what happens right before things go off track. That is usually where all the useful data is hiding.

There’s often humour in the room - not because we’re minimising anything, but because recognising our patterns can be surprisingly human, validating and massive relief. Many of my couples say it’s the first time conflict hasn’t turned into blame, shame, or someone being labelled “the problem.”

That's because as your therapist, assuming there isn't any coercion, violence or other safety issues, I don’t take sides. I'm here for the relationship.

What If One of You Isn’t Sure About Couples Work?

This is very common. In fact, I’d be mildly suspicious if both of you arrived equally enthusiastic.

Often one partner is thinking “We really need this,” while the other is thinking “Do we though? Why can't they just be better?” That’s a completely normal place to start.

PACT doesn’t require you both to feel confident, hopeful, or convinced. It just asks that you’re willing to show up and see what happens.

And here’s the honest bit: even if you eventually decide to part ways, couples almost always leave therapy with a much clearer understanding of themselves - how they attach, how they react under stress, and what they need (and offer) in any close relationships. That learning doesn’t disappear. It tends to make future relationships, romantic or otherwise, healthier, steadier, and far less mysterious.

From “Why Is This So Hard?” to “We’ve Got This”

In short, PACT can help couples build relationships that feel safer, steadier, and more like a team sport than a tug-of-war.

When couples learn how to regulate together, repair faster, and genuinely look out for each other, conflict becomes less scary, intimacy becomes more possible, and change actually sticks.

Curious? Cautious? Ready to Give It a Go?

I understand that starting relationship therapy can feel like a big step. You might feel hopeful, sceptical, nervous - or all three at once. That’s normal.

However, if something here has made you think “That sounds uncomfortably familiar,” and you’re ready to explore whether couples therapy could help, you’re welcome to get in touch. We can book in a Discovery Call to talk about what’s been happening, what each of you wants (even if those things don’t fully line up), and whether PACT feels like a good fit for you. No pressure, no persuading - just an honest conversation about possible next steps.

If you’re ready to stop going round in circles - together or apart - get in touch, I’d be glad to hear from you.